The Proper Care and Feeding of Socialists

By Paul B. Skousen

Chapter 1:  How to Spot a Socialist in the Wild

          To the casual observer, a Socialist does not exhibit any outward plumage or markings rendering him or her easy to identify. To the untrained eye a Socialist can be easily confused with normal individuals.

          While some techniques have been successfully employed to separate out the Socialists, they have evolved numerous defense mechanisms rendering them virtually invisible in a crowd of people.  More on that later.

          For now, let’s review a few observations made by those who are expert in the field of socialistology.

GROUPS

          A group of two or more Socialists is called a whining.

          A whining can coagulate quite suddenly at a surprisingly broad spectrum of settings such as picnics, emails, during a CNN broadcast, at Walmart, during Sunday school, on The View, in the Oval Office, etc. —essentially anywhere they can whine.

          Caution: NEVER approach a whining. They can erupt in terror and violence sporadically, arbitrarily, and without warning. No one knows precisely what triggers such outbursts. Tell-tale signs include an abundance of tension, hand gestures, rapid flailing about of words and accusations, and violence targeted towards those not empathetically bonded to that particular whining.

          Despite rumors to the contrary, there is no such thing as whining interruptus. It is therefore recommended that the observer so caught in a whining make no attempt to ingratiate himself by feigning allegiance to a whining. Just remove yourself immediately.

          Should you become caught up in the central fermentation of a whining, be on the lookout for direct accostiment.

          Accostiment is derived from the word excrement. It is defined as anything being yelled at you by a socialist. If you are assaulted with accostiment, avoid eye contact, try not to react emotionally to words screamed at you. Offer a simple smile, give a cheery thumbs up (unless you’re in Brazil), and keep moving.

          That should do it.

SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION

          The socialist is usually an upright two-legged primate in the class mammalian. While the species is certainly Homo sapiens, the Socialist has been assigned its own trinomial name: polyliberphobicrat  (Please do yourself a favor and take a moment to rehearse two or three times the proper pronunciation: “pauli-leeber-FOBO-crat”)

          This name is derived from a long list of socialist aberrations. It is a combination of root words meaning “many,” “liberty, “fear of” and “ruler.” In layman terms, “socialist” simply means “tyrannical fear of many liberties.” 

          There remains heated debate about the order to which the Socialist belongs. Some scholars want to classify their order as carnivora (meat eaters) because they eat those who stray from the whining. Other scholars argue this contradicts a Socialist’s declared opposition to meat and their allegiance to vegetarianism. Since many conservatives are also vegetarians, this quality is not distinctly socialist. As of this writing, there remains no consensus regarding order among socialists.

BEHAVIOR IN THE WILD

          There are certain indicators unique to the Socialist’s way of thinking. Knowing a few of these will help you flush out a socialist from obscurity. It is recommended that any person running for political office or important appointment be tested with this list of basic questions.

          CAUTION: Should this line of questioning accidently trigger the spontaneous formation of a whining, cease immediately all interaction and terminate the exchange—you have your answer.

1)      If a conservative hears commentary on a radio or television program that he or she disapproves of, it is enough to just turn it off. Do you agree, or should the government impose some form of fairness so alternative views will be given equal air time?

2)      Is health care a right? (This is a trick question. The Socialist will always answer “yes”). Should the government force Americans to pay for health insurance for everybody?

3)      If a conservative does not want to own a gun, he or she simply doesn’t buy one. If you don’t want a gun, do you believe the best solution is having the government outlaw guns for everyone?

4)      If a conservative is a vegetarian, he or she does not eat animal products. If you are a vegetarian, do you think the government should ban all animal products for everybody’s own good?

5)      Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but a conservative homosexual goes about his or her business and quietly engages in that lifestyle privately. Do you think the government must legislate respect for gays and gay rights?

6)      If a conservative does not believe in God, he or she doesn’t disparage those who do, and celebrates the believers’ allegiance to a pattern of good living. Do you believe the government should silence all mention of God and religion in any public venue?

7)      If a conservative becomes unemployed or otherwise suffers from negative economic and financial setbacks, he or she looks for new work and labors at it with integrity. If you become similarly unemployed, how should the government help you get back on your feet? (This is also a trick question, testing the candidates ability to really hear as well as answer a question.)

8)      Are unions good or bad? (This is another trick question. The Socialist will always answer “good.” To flush out his real thinking, rephrase the question as, “Is forced union membership good or bad?”)

          The correct answers to these questions will not be provided here. That is because you the reader might be confused or unknowing about how to answer the questions. If that is the case, you might be suffering from an ailment common to most Americans reared in the public school system since the mid-1920s. You unwittingly might be a bi-socialist.

          This is a heartbreaking and tragic revelation for those who had such hope for themselves. Being bi-socialist has ramifications even your mother doesn’t want to know—but it does not mean all hope is lost. There are treatments. There are programs. There are eye tests. There are blood draws. There are CAT scans. There are means of identifying the degree to which bi-socialism has infected your thinking.

          In our next installment of The Proper Care and Feeding of Socialists, we will discuss bi-socialism—what it is, and how to detect it in yourself, in your family and friends. And most importantly what can be done to fix it.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 14th, 2010 at 12:56 am and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.